The BBC reports a disturbing publicity stunt in Russia in which a donkey went parasailing. Sure, stoned people come up with this sort of idea every day, but it's ever so rare that it makes it from the inspiration stage to execution. Just imagine that moment when the donkey was finally strapped into his sailing harness, but still with all hooves on the ground, and nobody--nobody--said, "Hey, wow, this is, like, so incredibly wrong. I object on the grounds that this is totally donkey cruelty. The donkey is totally afraid."

The only real explanation for this is that it happened in Russia, where practically from birth children hear horrendous fairy tales about kids being eaten by wolves and having their feet chopped off. I'm sure that somewhere there on the ground, as a child weeped, his father leaned down, smelling of cigarettes and vodka, and said, "Life is like parasailing donkey. From a distance, looks funny. Up close, smells like shit and fear."

It has been proposed that a statue of Michael Jackson should be erected in Prague's Letna Park. American pop singer dies, so of course monuments to the man should go up all over Central Europe. Some deeply misguided Czechs have argued that Jackson has no connection to the country, but that is a ridiculous lie. Jackson's history (HIStory!) goes all the way back to the heady days of Stalin's rule.

Back in 1996, to kick off the HIStory tour, MJ played a concert to 125,000 people in Letna Park. A few days before he arrived, a 35-foot statue (pictured to the left) materialized overnight: fierce gaze, bandoleros, droopy curls. At night, torches burned alongside the King, and martial music played. I'm not kidding. Elderly babichkas, hobbling down Parizska Ulice pulling their wheeled baskets of potatoes could be seen to gaze up in wonder at this new monstrosity. "Who is invading us now?" Fitting for a petty tyrant, uniformed guards with German shepherds protected the statue from potential vandals.

To step back in history a bit more, the concrete platform where MJ stood was once the site of a much-reviled Stalin monument (left). Yes! MJ's genius team decided to associate the King with Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin, another popular leader. Sadly, by the time the monument was completed in 1955, Stalin was already past the height of his pop fame, and the monument was detonated soon thereafter with dynamite. (The sculpture had already committed suicide by that time.

I can see the reasoning behind conflating the two figures. Stalin murdered millions of people, Jackson sold millions of albums. At Stalin's funeral, hundreds were trampled to death as his admirers tried to glimpse the body. At MJ's funeral, hundreds of celebrities were trampled to death trying to grab a little of the limelight.

Czech Republic, please remember, Michael Jackson transcends all race and geopolitical concerns. Like Uncle Joe Stalin, he wants the best for all of us. Also, don't piss him off, because we all know he's really alive somewhere. And he could have tanks.